A better understanding of depression… By someone who suffers from it

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If we talk about depression. Many people think that depression is only a state of mind and those who are victims, because yes they are victims, are depressed because they want it. They have cases to have positive thoughts, go out, see people, etc. This is not as simple as what you can think of. It’s not a question of positive thoughts already. Depression is a confinement to oneself. Even if you are aware of your illness it is very complicated to want to have a social life because we are convinced that we will spoil the pleasure of others

Most depressives see life in black or white. No gray and even less color. They work in opposites. Love, hate. Sadness, happiness. There is no middle ground.

How to recognize a depressive? You have to know these friends. Know how to decipher their gestures, their emotions, their words.

All depressives are not suicidal. In general, they all go through this stage. Either they find a reason to continue living, or they make other decisions. From addiction to death. I have long thought that suicide was cowardly

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Try to kill yourself. Just think about it once. You will notice that it is very complicated to imagine. They think about it. Everyday. Without anyone knowing it and hiding it to the whole world.

I already hear people say, “If they can pretend to be happy they can be happy”. Know that it’s hard to pretend to be someone you do not have. It hurts even more because we say that nobody knows us. We would like help. But people prefer to stay indifferent. If you ever wanted to help a depressive. You will have to be patient. Tolerate. Without judgement. Know how to be strong in your words for the most serious things. And especially present.

I have been depressive for 14 years now. I had people who tried to help me. I loved. I hated I always hurt myself. Not for the attention because no one can see the scars.

The problem I have is that happened at a time, when I’m in an emotional impasse – between love and hate for example – I burnout and I feel nothing. No feeling, no emotion. It’s a lot harder than you can imagine. You like ? Do you have a passion? Imagine that overnight you do not feel anything, not in the sense that you do not like anything anymore. But that you do not feel anything. As if nothing else had any interest. Here. This happens to me about 2 to 3 times a month. All because of a simple emotional conflict

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Doing what I do helps me to digest it. Because the pain proves that one can feel things. It is not the most pleasant thing but it is the easiest and ultimately less risky than falling into drugs or alcohol.

 Despite everything, I have a great reason to live. That gives me a reason to move on. I find people who help me. Each in their own way. Most people do not understand that I do not hear anything even though I know they will not judge me. You can not imagine feelings of shame. A rather explosive mixture of shame and anxiety that overwhelms me when I want to send a message to say that it is not right. For fear of disturbing them. Afraid of their judgment. Afraid of their reaction. Because what tell me that they will not say to themselves “fuck it does not go well yet ..”. this phrase runs in a loop when I want to talk to someone. Who would like a friend like that? I’m not even talking about social conflicts

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You imagine the worst all the time. It creates conflicts because as I told you it is either all white or all black. So it’s very complicated to manage it. In love as in friendship. If a person does not respond positively to a request from you (cinema, restaurant, other) you feel rejected. Yes because what the person did not understand is that for you it requires a titanic effort to propose his. You have gathered all your courage and your will to do it. And all his for nothing? It is very discouraging. Imagine that this person refuses 2 or 3 times in a row. Not because she does not want to see you. But something else planned. Stop proposing afterwards. You have lost your courage and your will. If it happens with several people. You lose that will with the whole world. And you find yourself back in the routine that keeps you alive in the end. Metro job dodo as we say. And we lock ourselves even closer to ourselves. Rejecting necessarily social contacts. The scars become deeper. Without ever being fatal because even if you no longer hold to life you do not want to do it by yourself. Every day I tell myself that if I plant myself in the car all will be finished and I will find peace

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I went to see psychologists. What an experience .. From the most insensitive to the most extravagant. Trying to put words on an indescribable disease by books. Trying to listen to us but think more about the check at the end of the session. It takes already more than 4 sessions for me to talk about me to a psychiatrist. And he must already speak to me about him before. But when I started talking. He stopped clear because the time was over. I had a good psychiatrist. Alas too far from where I live now. Only 2 to 3 people a day to have the time to create a circle of trust. Because yes, trust is paramount

You see. I am depressive. I know what’s going on in my head and yet I can not manage. It’s not that I don’t want to. I can’t do it. I can not even remember what it’s like to be a ‘normal’ person. That may be his problem after all. Memory.

So now that I have explained to you a little. Do you continue to judge depressives? You can not judge because you don’t know what it is. You can only imagine it. Like all his doctors often useless

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