Can I Just Live Without You…Sincerely, Me

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Panic sets in and there I go…back to being your slave. I’m so nervous at just the thought of living with you, every second of my life. You’ve become so much of me that I now rely on your approval to take any steps forward, not that you would let me. You have taken complete control of my life and I need it to stop. I want my life to be mine, without you overlooking every small detail of where I will be, who will be there and what could I do to mess things up.

For 31 years  I have surrendered to your every request. Ever since I can remember you have stopped me from enjoying aspects of my life that were meant to be fun and innocent. You had crept ideas in to my head that there was risk involved in even the littlest of situations and you made me lie. You made such a liar out of me and I want it to stop. You made me make up excuses so that I didn’t have to interact with the public. You made me tell people I wasn’t feeling well just so that I could stay home. You made me lose friends and miss out on what could have been great. You made me accept a life so alone.

I missed so much school because you made me feel like I should be intimidated by the others and by the others I mean my friends. You made me horrified to play outside in case “something” happened to me. Oh how that word “something” played with my mind and you knew it did. You knew my mind would just start assessing all the awful, terrible, horrific things that could potentially happen to me. You never let me think of all the amazing, wonderful, life changing positive things that were possible. You robbed me of opportunities that I will never know even existed for me because you kept me to yourself.

Working a dead end job for all of my high school and college life just because you lied to me and told me it was better because I knew it was “safe”. You made me think that routine was better for me, that less challenge and less change was easier to cope with. You kept me in a small defined box that let no one in and that I couldn’t escape out of. I want out. I don’t fit in this box anymore. I saw life through the cracks in this box and I want to be a part of it. I want to decide on my own, without you there, where  I want to go and what I want to do. This lifelong relationship is abusive and I know that I will go so much further without your manipulation. You can’t keep controlling my thoughts before you even allow me to think them. You can’t keep making me say no to people when I want to say yes! Stop inviting fear to every occasion, stop bringing insecurity to meet me there! Stop telling me to keep allowing nervousness in to my space…ANXIETY JUST LET ME GO!

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